Returned

I've not been updating the site for a few days, I thought about packing it all in, but no. So here I am, I can't stand it. A few days ago I was feeling so horrid, I decided 'fuck this, I'm not doing it anymore', I didn't want to do even more walking, eat even less food, I'd gone massively downhill very quickly, it was unbearable. But of course, within a few hours I decided I'll start going to the gym and get fit, and then a bit later, I'll do that and also lose a bit of weight, and then within 48 hours I was back to anorexia, so here I am, back to anorexia. I really want to sort my life out, figure out what I want to do, I'm struggling with that, stagnating.
So, I've decided, to prevent both the rapid deterioration I get from extreme restriction, and the horrific depression I get from no restriction and from being fat, I will settle on a moderate restriction. I'll go back to my original target weight of 6st 11lb, I'll get there in 8 months or so, and I'll maintain. 1025 calories I'll have today, I'll probably typically eat more than that. 6st 11lb for me, I'm much below the average height for a man, my dad is 5'7 anyway and I've been consistently malnourished since I was 12, so there you go, my younger sister overtook me in height last year around her 13th birthday, it's embarrassing, but I'm 17, I can't go back and reverse it now, the point is, 6st 11lb is pretty underweight for me, well below the 'anorexia nervosa' mark, but not so underweight that it will cause suspicion from friends and family or that it is likely to cause me to collapse and die instantly especially when eating enough to maintain. It's also good because if something in my life goes drastically wrong I'm already underweight so I will become very thin very quickly and anorexia will be 'quick and easy', I guess. You know, like, what's the difference between 6st 11lb and 6 stone when you feel too sick and worried to eat and you're constantly driven mentally to lose weight anyway? It's like a little hack, but for now, I will keep it moderate, and figure out what's going on.
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