An Ok Day

Today was fine, I ate a bowl of dry cereal in the morning, some chilli and rice in the evening (I only ate half), and then two cereal bars. I walked for only three of four hours, I feel like a failure for that. It just sucks, it's embarrassing having the symptoms as bad as I do now while I'm still fat, and I'll be fat for quite a while, this is what being chronically anorexic is, it's impossible to be extremely underweight forever. But I'm still anorexic on the inside and I feel like such a stupid idiot when I'm obsessing over all this food but on the outside I'm a healthy weight ie fat. I can't cope at the moment, not just with the anorexia but with everything else too, but I can't ask for help until I'm at least at my lowest weight. I just can't. The humiliation - I was turned away from the ED service once and that was the worst I've ever felt in my life. I just need something, man, I just don't know how other people cope and live their lives, they just do everything, there are so many tasks and it's impossible, and it's so easy to make everything go wrong, I'm scared one day I'll make some stupid trivial mistake and end up homeless or in prison or something

I don't get how everyone does it, go to school, college, work, whatever, feed themselves, do the washing up, the laundry, shower, exercise, pay the bills, pay the rent, have a social life, do the things they enjoy, get enough sleep, how do they keep it all up, I can hardly get out of bed most days. I can't live life, I can't, I am so hopelessly bad at it, I can't go into shops, I walk in circles around it several times, past the door again and again, and I just can't go in. I'm not in education, I can't get a job, there's just something wrong with me, I don't understand how people do it all.
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