Dieting and Performance Art
I am on a new diet. Yes, I am trying the Get Worse Diet, I've done it before a few years ago and it's on the diets page if you're curious. I'm on day four, so the limit is 1200 calories, I'm finding it pretty easy, and I'm excited for the fasting and liquid days. The only slight worry is that on Sunday I'm supposed to go and see some family and my calorie limit is only 900, though being vegan is a good excuse (I'm not actually vegan, but I'm working towards being vegan, I eat vegetarian currently and I don't really eat eggs or dairy so), and I guess I could omad, I should be able to figure it out. I'm especially excited for, I think it's days 13 and 14, where the first day is a liquid fast and then the second day is a proper water fast.
I really see my anorexia as performance art, well, I see most aspects of my life as that, it's strange. I don't know, like, I have the usual things, I feel fat and I always have and always will deep inside no matter how thin I get, I want to be thin, I want to look like Jimmy from Quadrophenia, or I want to look like Rowland S. Howard, and I have both a fear of and obsession with food. But beyond that, it really is a strange kind of performance art, like in that short story by Franz Kafka, the hunger artist, it feels like that.
Imagining myself on a stage, singing, playing guitar, shirt off, people shocked at just how thin I am, looking like an alien or something, otherworldly, and like a walking piece of art. Maybe anorexia wasn't a choice I made but I like to see it as one, and portray it as one, and just keep going and going and going, I really do see it as an artistic act. The whole 'Godstar' thing comes into it too, I don't use that name because I see myself as some kind of god... well maybe I am god of this website, but no, it's about taking myself to the complete extremes of everything I could possibly do, pushing my body and mind to the complete limit, further than anyone ever has or ever will, that's what it's really about. "Godstar is one step above superstar, and you can only be a godstar once you've passed on", that's it!! That's the thing!! I can only be at my most creative and prolific in this state of self-starvation, my body must always be a part of this project, I carve away my flesh and mold myself into a walking, living, sculpture, cultivating this perverse beauty, that's what I want, that's what I NEED.
You guys here don't see it, but when I am on a regime of starvation and exercise I am usually also on some other kind of regime, I used to call it 'artistic self improvement', it's about consuming and producing good art in the highest quantities possible, constantly bettering myself, and above all, letting my mind be the driving force, never ever my body, it's almost like being a monk but my devotion being to art. Casting out my worldly desires in the interest of becoming the pure embodiment of art and intellect, that's what I want, that's what I'm attempting, that's all that matters.
--Godstar