19/04/26 00:47
Hey, I'm not eating until Tuesday, I need to stop being so fucking fat all the time, jesus christ, I just feel so disgusting, every single day I wake up trapped in this big fat body and it's all my fault, I wish I was back at my lowest weight, even though I was fat then too, I hate it, I hate myself, I hate my life.
17/04/26 00:43
I thought I'd share how my new plan is going, well, it could be better, but I'm getting into it. Yesterday I did overeat, 1777 calories, it's still a relatively decent calorie deficit but I need to get my act together to make sure I'm 9st 7lb on Wednesday. I will drop my calorie limit down to 1100 until Wednesday, that should make everything even back out. I've been doing well with the walking, going on walks, pacing around the living room, whatever, I pick a playlist or album to listen to and I must walk for the entirity of it, or sometimes I'll do more than one, it's a pretty good method, I count up the minutes afterwards. For the rest of the week I of course will keep that going, but I will try and get closer to the four hour mark than three. I do want to make sure I only weigh myself once a week, it means I'll basically see my true weight, and it won't be too affected by water weight etc. I'm gonna listen to three albums while pacing later, hopefully get through them all at once, I'll listen to 'And Don't the Kids Just Love It' by Television Personalities, 'Casual Sex In The Cineplex' by Sultans Of Ping F.C., and 'Transformer' by Lou Reed, that's a total of 1 hour and 48 minutes, which is pretty standard for one of my pacing sessions. I'm going to add a links page to the site, that'll be fun, I look at a lot of old pro ana sites through the wayback machine.
14/04/26 22:57
I thought I'd share my new, real plan. The plan I gave in my last entry is stupid, I'll lose an obscene amount of weight very quickly, become very unwell, and ultimately be forced to gain it all back (and probably more). My usual plan is way better, 1300 calories /day, 20-25k steps /day, I don't actually count my steps anymore for a few reasons, but I did for two years, so I know 20-25k steps about 3-4 hours of walking, that's what I will aim for. I want to reach my target weight of 6st 8lb (92lb / 41.7kg) before my 18th birthday, it's in March, so I have plenty of time, if I can't do this and sustain it I am just a big fat failure, no excuses. Nobody really noticed or cared when I was just over 7 stone, so I don't think there will be much difference at 6 and a half stone, my plan is to maintain that weight (or slightly below it) until I am able to move out. I will weigh myself every Wednesday morning starting next week, which I will always record here, as well as trying to update as much as possible inbetween. I used Losertown to work out approximately when I'll reach my goal, here is what it said:
22/04/26: 9st 7lb (133lb / 60.3kg)
29/04/26: 9st 5lb (131lb / 59.4kg)
06/05/26: 9st 3lb (129lb / 58.5kg)
13/05/26: 9st 1lb (127lb / 57.6kg)
20/05/26: 8st 13lb (125lb / 56.7kg)
27/05/26: 8st 11lb (123lb / 55.8kg)
03/06/26: 8st 9lb (121lb / 54.8kg)
10/06/26: 8st 7lb (119lb / 53.9kg)
17/06/26: 8st 5lb (117lb / 53kg)
24/06/26: 8st 3lb (115lb / 52.1kg)
31/06/26: 8st 1.5lb (113.5lb / 51.5kg)
08/07/26: 7st 13.5lb (111.5lb / 50.5kg)
15/07/26: 7st 12lb (110lb / 49.9kg)
22/07/26: 7st 10lb (108lb / 48.9kg)
29/07/26: 7st 8lb (106lb / 48kg)
05/08/26: 7st 6.5lb (104.5lb / 47.4kg)
12/08/26: 7st 5lb (103lb / 46.7kg)
19/08/26: 7st 3lb (101lb / 45.8kg)
26/08/26: 7st 1.5lb (99.5lb / 45.1kg) NEW LOWEST WEIGHT!!
02/09/26: 7st (98lb / 44.5kg)
09/09/26: 6st 12.5lb (96.5lb / 43.7kg)
16/09/26: 6st 11lb (95lb / 43.1kg)
23/09/26: 6st 9lb (93lb / 42.2kg)
30/09/26: 6st 7.5lb (91.5lb / 41.5kg) BELOW TARGET WEIGHT!!
Now, then I'll have to increase my calorie intake slowly, I prefer 100 calories /week, up to my maintenance level, doing it gradually to allow my body to adjust, so I won't cause any unnecessary weight gain. This is how that will go:
After week 1, 1400 calories, 07/10/26: 6st 6.5lb (90.5lb / 41kg)
After week 2, 1500 calories, 14/10/26: 6st 5.5lb (89.5lb / 40.6kg)
After week 3, 1600 calories, 21/10/26: 6st 5lb (89lb / 40.4kg)
After week 4, 1700 calories, 28/10/26: 6st 4lb (88lb / 39.9kg)
After week 5, 1800 calories, 04/11/26: 6st 3.5lb (87.5lb / 39.7kg)
After week 6, 1900 calories, 11/11/26: 6st 3.5lb (87.5lb / 39.7kg)
After this, I will maintain my weight by eating around 2000 calories /day and keeping my walking level the same, my long-term plan is to keep that going until I can move out and get my own place. Once I do that, I will get to my ideal weight of somewhere between 5st 7lb and 6st 1lb (77lb-85lb, 35kg-38.5kg), and I will try and maintain in that range for as long as physically possible. In the meantime, while sitting at 6st 3lb and maintaining for however long until I get my own place, I will probably try to lower my body fat percentage so that I can be thinner and leaner without actually losing weight, I always find this hard though, much harder than just losing weight. That's all for this, I just wanted to explain everything, I'm very excited about all this honestly, I just want to be thin, it's all I've ever wanted.
14/04/26 00:08
I'm doing so much better with not eating, new plan will have me losing so much weight, eating one meal a day (between 500 and 1000 ish calories), and walking for five hours a day. Today (well, technically yesterday, as it's past midnight), I did mess up a little bit, I had my meal, I had some rice (184 calories), a poached egg (66 calories), a bag of crisps (85 calories), two light babybels (84 calories), and a fibre one chocolate chip cookie (90 calories), that was a total of 509 calories, good, great even, but then I ate a chocolate rice crispy square (156 calories), two more light babybels (84 calories), and some ham (163 calories), so in total today I had 912 calories, I mean, I'll take it, I guess that's okay. I did succeed at walking for five hours. For the rest of the week I won't have too much control over what my meals will be, but I can definitely make sure I only have one meal per day, and that I can walk lots, so it'll be fine. Anyway, I'm currently binge watching supersize vs superskinny, I might update the site a bit more if I can think of anything good, my feet are hurting from walking and I am a bit hungry but physically I feel pretty okay. I love the episodes with the male 'superskinnies', it almost gives me something to aim for, and I like series three because it includes the segment with the anorexics, including one man. Also, here's a picture of my dinner:
11/04/26 15:05
I haven't updated this for a while, I've decided to lower my calories to 1300 a day (from 1500), and my target weight too, my target weight by a LOT, I want to be about 28.5kg, I don't know, I know that's bad, but I can't fight it anymore. Yesterday I ate too much, well, my maintenance, 2300, that sounds absurd doesn't it?? 2300, it's a ridiculously high amount, but it is my maintenance level. Today I'm going to have about 1200, I basically had two of these little cakes, 210 calories, a bag of crisps, 126 calories, and then a bit later I'm going to have some leftover paella that my dad cooked, 850 calories, so yeah, just under 1200. I have my meals planned out for Monday, tomorrow I'll just eat whatever, but on Monday I will have this: for lunch I will have one slice of sourdough toast, 107 calories, two poached eggs, 132 calories, an apple, 65 calories, two light babybels, 84 calories, and a bag of crisps (quavers), 86 calories, lunch total will be 474 calories. For a snack I will have a fibre one chocolate chip cookie, 90 calories, for dinner I will have baked oats with 45g of oats, 169 calories, one banana, 105 calories, 1/2 tsp of baking powder, 2 calories, 1/4 tsp of vanilla extract, 3 calories, 1 tbsp honey, 50 calories, one egg, 66 calories, four squares of salted caramel dairy milk chocolate, 149 calories, and a serving of my low fat ice cream on top, 74 calories. Dinner total is 618 calories, total of the day is 1182 calories, and I will walk for about 4 hours, I'm so excited. This weekend just sucks, it's harder to exercise at my dad's house, I'm excited to go to my mum's and get back on the grind, she doesn't really care, she didn't even care when I was so skinny and was eating like 400 calories a day, it's useful, it means I can keep going, but sometimes I wish someone would care enough to make me stop. Hopefully I will be 28.5kg by the middle of February, just before my birthday, but for now, I am still fat fat fat FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT.
07/04/26 21:58
Today was good, I ate below my limit - I had baked oats for breakfast and a cheeseburger after work, it was good. I started my new job and that was really exhausting but worth it, I'll finally be getting some money, it also makes it easy to burn calories (it's childcare so I'm always running around} and skip lunch. Afterwards I met my friend/well maybe girlfriend, it's a whole thing, but yay that meant more walking, I had a good day, I am exhausted, I also paced around before work, so lots and lots of walking. My baked oats were, 45g oats (169 kcal), 118ml semi skimmed milk (55 kcal), 1/2 tsp baking powder (2 kcal), 1/4 tsp ground cinnamon (2 kcal), 1/4 mashed banana (26 kcal), 1/2 apple (33 kcal), 1 tbsp honey (50 kcal), 1 scoop low fat vanilla ice cream (74 kcal), baked for 30 minutes, here's a picture:
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05/04/26 09:28
Happy Easter Sunday to all those that celebrate, well, I don't really celebrate it, I'm not religious, but you know. Yesterday, I ate a lot, too much really, but I did honestly about 40-50k steps, walked for like 8 hours straight, so I will probably lose weight anyway. I want to tell you all about my new plan, using my motto 'thin, not dead', I have decided how I'm going to get to my target weight of 42kg (more accurately; 41.7kg), I am going to eat 1500 calories a day. I know, sounds like a lot, too much, I feel guilty even typing it out, but it works for me! I got to my lowest weight of 45kg eating around that much (more accurately 1200-1700, depending on the day) and doing 25k-ish steps, sometimes more, sometimes a little bit less. I have a new job, I have new friends, I can't fuck this up, but also I cannot rid myself of the desire to be extremely thin, 41.7kg on 1500 calories seems like a perfect middle ground, a nice BMI 16.5, 1500 is low enough to be noticeably less than what other people are eating, and high enough to be able to join in with group eating and not seem completely suspicious, I don't want to land myself in hospital, which almost happened last year when I lost 7kg in like a month, I can't stay skinny if I end up in hospital or some other kind of treatment, and I've been anorexic for nearly 10 years now, my extremely low calorie days are over, unfortunately I just can't do it anymore. With this new plan, I should reach my target weight by mid-late September, after that I want to maintain for as long as I can, and try and lose some fat while gaining muscle (you can do both of those at the same time!!) Also, I decided to change the font colour to black to make this a bit more legible.
04/04/26 03:34
Good morning.. yes it is 3am, yes I just woke up. I have a sleep disorder, it's horrendous, my sleeping time shifts one hour later each night, last night I went to bed at 7pm, at least it's getting closer to normal. Anyway, yesterday sucked, I ate too much, like 1900 calories, horrid, but I did walk lots, for at least two hours listening to all different music, might've been closer to three hours now that I think about it. I suppose the 1900 calories is okay, I probably will lose a little bit of weight from that (my metabolism is no longer messed up from restriction + I'm a man + I'm a healthy weight + I walk a LOT), but I NEED to start dropping my intake down. I'm just so not used to restriction now that I was 'in recovery' for almost a year, I gained so much weight, fuck. I was underweight consistently from March 2024 to June 2025, I miss it so much, the lowest I ever got to was 45kg and now I'm fluctuating between 59 and 60, I miss being skinny so much, I never went above 50kg for all of 2024. I have two big issues, it's easter, I've been given two easter eggs, I need the, GONE NOW, I guess I will try and eat them as often as possible within my intake so they can be gone quickly, well, that's not very anorexic of me, but it'll have to do. Here's the other dilemma, tomorrow I'm meeting my sort-of-almost-not-really-girlfriend, well, she's not my girlfriend, but there's a thing, anyway. I told her we'd go to town, promised to buy her a mcdonalds or something, standard issue teenage stuff, maccies date, and I will, but now I'm so freaked out because I don't know what to have, I could just have a cheeseburger, they're only about 300 calories, but I don't want her to catch on or feel bad for eating a meal, I guess I could just say I'm broke, which I am, but then she'd feel bad if I got her something proper, fuck, I just don't know what to do.
03/04/26 03:54
A new blog page, because I changed my mind, I binged like crazy yesterday because the idea of following a diet exactly is always too much for me, I'll leave that
previous page there, but this is the location where I will log my food in the near future, as well as my weight, my exercise, etc. Anyway, I want to be 42kg, or slightly less, so so so badly, so yes, here I will document my descent into madness. --Godstar.